i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
