Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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