I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
