Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
