I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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