Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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