i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
