Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
