The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
