I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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