at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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