Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
