And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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