did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
