when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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