It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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