I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
