All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
