If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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