How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
