i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
