Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
