So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
