This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
