Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
