before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
