Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
