i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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