How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
