i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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