i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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