I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
