we have pet lesbian snakes
too bad you live with your parents still
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
