i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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