Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
