Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
