this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
