final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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