The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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