I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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