remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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