My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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