is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
