You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
