If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Still dying that you shit outside
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
