Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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