when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
