the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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