I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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