do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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