I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
