I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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