I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
