I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
