My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
