Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Randomize