mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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