my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
