Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
