Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize