I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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